Friday, May 30, 2008

Beware: Filth Ahead. No. I'm Serious.

Last night, Caitlin, Synde and I met up for an evening of overpriced Mexican food and an author event that will sparkle in my memory like a diamond. Actually, that's a little dramatic, it's more like a cubic zirconia...only harvested from a dirty asshole instead of a test tube.

I'm talking about Chuck Palahniuk, of course.

Do you see anything out of the ordinary in that picture? I'll give you a second. Actually, that's a bit of a trick question, since the blow up sex doll is totally normal for this particular reading.

We got to Pacific Place to pick up Synde and sign some stock at B&N and then it was off to dinner, where I was really good on my diet. One bite of rice, a few beans, mostly protein in the form of carne asada tacos with manchega, I'm figuring the corn tortillas were max 30 carbs so I can live with that. But then, carb temptress Caitlin, insisted on desert. Mexican donuts with hot chocolate dipping sauce. Mmmmmmmm. In my defense, they were more like donut holes and not nearly as good as I'd have thought.

So then we were off to see the man, but got there way to early which forced me to shop the book area and find the most appropriately filthy author swag I've ever seen. Behold...

Some of you pervs are going to be spitting your drinks across your monitors and then there are others--bless their hearts--who'll be saying, "what's so dirty?" Maybe this hint will help them out...

That's right people, the bookmark is for your book. The beads are for your ass (if you need a thorough explanation of that, just ask). Now don't worry, I got some extras to share and I'm fairly certain they haven't been used, so at the end of this post we'll do a little Chuck Palahniuk anal bead contest (one I don't expect will be reported about on Urban Fantasy Land--winks to the girls).

I also picked up Chuck's walking tour of Portland, called Fugitives and Refugees. I've been excited about reading that since Caitlin's mom raved about it last week. Anyway, we found a great spot to sit and chatted about sex toys, books, authors and other petty dramas. Turns out we had plenty of time for talking since, Chuck signed books until the cows came home (about an hour).

But, Chuck mustn't be questioned. He knows how to throw an author event. And that's what it is an event. Not content to simply read a bit from his new book SNUFF, in which an aging porn star goes out with a (gang)bang, Chuck kicked off the show by throwing about 50 blow up sex dolls into the audience. The first male and female dolls to be completely inflated won copies of a book (sorry, I can't recall the name, though he was pushing short story writers like Amy Hempel), but this guy sure wanted one...

Next up was a reading of an original story written specifically for the tour, it's called LOSER and was funny and thoughtful. Chuck never fails to surprise. Just when you think he's going to gross you out, he makes you think. The tale follows a frat boy who drops acid just as he's called up to play the Price is Right. Awesome.

Afterward, Warren Etheridge of the Warren Report interviewed Chuck about the new book, disturbing influences and the CHOKE movie (my review of Choke will be up next week on the Burlesque blog). At one point, the term "gang bang" was flying around so much, I thought I was at my own reading, but a family got up and left. Warren had this to say, "They must have thought Chuck was the Newberry Caldicott winner." There was no excuse for leaving, Chuck did hand out earplugs to those most likely to be offended.

We watched the trailer for Choke...

Blew up some more dolls...

One last thing. I mentioned a contest to win that anal bead bookmark and thought of the perfect thing. Bastardized Hollywood porn titles. If it could hang on the Lusty Lady marquee, I want to see it. Here's some examples...

From Snuff...The Importance of Balling Earnest, Snow Falling on Peters or, perhaps, Lay Misty for Me.

Some of my favorites, In and Out of Africa, Shaving Ryan's Privates.

You get the idea. So line 'em up in the comments and one of you can have these shiny blue booty beauties to do with what you see fit, all before next Friday. Just think of the possibilities.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Gettin' Shit Done!

Okay, so today started out with me completely scattered with too much on my to do list and not enough interest in a single thing to get any one of them done. Plus, I'm really busy staring at the back yard, so...

If you'll recall, last week it looked like this...

And now it looks like this...

Two days was all it took them. We would have been working on it for weeks and ending up with nasty sciaticas. It's insane. Dario and his guys were animals, they didn't even take breaks. I would have hoed up a weed and then sat on my fat ass for longer time than it took to hoe.

Anyway, so I'm happy with that. What else?

Oh, this...

You'll want to head over there because, part 2 of the weekend post has been committed and there be Friday the 13th stuff.

Scattered or no, I finally got some work done, thanks to my friends at the Glamazombies.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Lost Weekend. Also, the Glamorous Life of the Debut Novelist, Part III

Not really. No alcoholic fugues or anything, just a long one. But tons to report.

Saturday was Crypticon, which was fun though woefully underattended. Doubly sad, because for the horror fan, it was a cornucopia of movie stars, or at the very least, solar flares.

I didn't really know what to expect, the cons I've attended so far have been of the large scale variety and the last time I was at the Doubletree in Seatac was Norwescon. That con topped out at 3000 attendees at last count and the halls were packed with people.

Crypticon? Not so much. In fact, when we showed up, the place was empty and about 5 people were in line at registration. Spoiled, as I am, I skipped the line and asked a staffer where "pro check-in was". She just stared and pointed at the line. Which was quick and everyone was very nice, just new at the whole thing (like me). The panel I'd prepared so hard for, The Year in Horror (yes, I actually prepared this time) was listed in the program as TBD. An insert listed it correctly but didn't identify the location. I know. I know. Growing pains. First year of the con. Got it.

While we waited for the panel at noon, we toured the expo area. Dear God. I hate to say it, because they were all very nice people, but it was like a celebrity hospice center. I can't be certain but the only person in there with an active career was Tony Todd (Candyman, Chuck). Again, I could be wrong.

Now, that said. I, much like cmpriest, was a bit gaga over William Davis (the Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-files) and Ashley Laurence (Hellraiser) is stunning in person, absolutely beautiful. But I was most excited about the ladies from Friday the 13th. So much so that I reverted to awkward teen years and walked right on by without saying a word. Pathetic.

So, it was 11:30 and time to find the room. When I asked where it was at the info/registration desk, they had to look it up. None of them knew. Bad sign. When I got there, it was a huge room, capable of accomodating an easy 150 member audience. Here I am riveting the crowd with all my internet-derived horror knowledge...

How impressed are you?

Had a good time talking with Michael Montoure, my co-panelist, and Caroline provided for our heckling needs. So it wasn't a total loss.

Went antique shopping, after. Seattle has this massive warehouse antique store by Safeco Field (the Mariner's stadium) and we're always looking for more of our china, which is old and rare (which says less about our taste and comportment than it does about our luck, since we found a setting for 4 for dirt cheap and haven't seen another plate since). Anyway--what would one of my posts be without some potty experience--I had to pee, so I was directed to a bathroom in the auction house. I knew I was in trouble when I opened the door and a blast of noxious gas raped my nasal passages.

There was only one way to describe it: old man shit. It's distinctive; It's deadly.

I gagged. Literally gagged. It got so bad I had visions of Caroline busting into the room and finding me curled up fetal and rocking under the sink.

But enough about near death experiences, because the rest of the night was awesome. Dinner with friends and their cranky new baby, who hummed and snarled but didn't cry (bonus!); then Ladytron and Datarock at the Showbox.

I didn't know much about Datarock. Listened to them a bit on youtube and didn't care for them, so I was pleasantly surprised that they were really entertaining and pumped up the crowd. Loud as hell, though. Ladytron took the stage and were amazing. Songs that I was lukewarm about on the album absolutely rocked live. Plus, there was this couple--actually I think they were friends of different sexual orientation, by which I mean gay speaker dancer and his frankenstein-shoed hag (I say it with love, so it's okay)--that were so entertaining, not since Elaine on Seinfeld have I seen such spectacularly ill-conceived moves. We loved them. We didn't love the princesses with cell phones and no boundaries. Here's Ladytron's latest video, so you can feel like you were a part of it all (except for the fabu dancing, sorry)...

As we were leaving, we noticed the Lusty Lady--our favorite adult movie theater (notable for their fun marquees)--was showing INDIANA MOANS AND THE TEMPLE OF POON. Come on. How can you not love that?

And Damn. I'm going to have to break this post up. I thought for sure I'd be able to get it all in, but my fingers are tired and I still have to go grocery shopping.

Wait 'til you hear about Sunday (with pictures of Mrs. Voorhees!)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


I've succumbed to laziness.

After two weekends of yardwork, aching muscles and finally getting the front in some kind of order, it was time to consider the backyard. It's been left to its own defenses since I started writing seriously two years ago. It was once a prideful thing and we recieved mucho complementos. Now? Not so much...

So, the landscaper, Dario just left after giving me an estimate and a time frame that I can live with. It's still a ton of money ($800) but to weed, haul, widen the beds, spread beauty bark and even get rid of the scotchbroom behind the fence, I think it's fair. It may not look like much in the pictures but it's going to take a crew of three guys, two days to get it done and maybe another, two is the estimate.

Now, I'm off to track down 8 square yards of beauty bark for delivery.

See what happens when I get paid?

Oh...and there's this...

Friday, May 16, 2008

Donut Post...or Doughnut, For That Matter

Which is it "donut" or "doughnut?" After all, it is made out of dough, so the latter seems likely. But they aren't nuts, per se. So maybe it's all just nonsense. Anyway, I'm done worrying about it and the research would bore me to tears. So let's get on with the post.

I've been to donut Mecca.

I've seen God.

I was chatting about this with my Yahoo group awhile back, as I'm wont to do. But here's the story for all of you. Last week, when I accompanied Richelle and Caitlin to their reading/signing at Powell's--if those two don't need a chaperone, no one does--I was firmly mid-Atkin's induction and thus carbs were a no-no. But being out of state, one loses a bit of motivation. Alcohol does not help the situation.

Well, on many occasions, I've sought out the comfort of a warm donut (I probably should have used the other spelling for that sentence, lest I give the wrong impression). And in Portland, there is a place. A place where the icing flows like manna from heaven onto bulbous pastry so tender you'd sock your moms. What's even better? The recipes seem culled from the depths of MADNESS!

The place is Voodoo Doughnut.

I've attempted to make my acquaintance with this locale many times, always to be denied. I didn't think this particular night would be any different. So, to my surprise, following much debauchery at a Portland pool hall, my companions and I were driven to Voodoo Doughnut. Which was open (as it is 24 hours a day, unless you're really jonesin' or are me--in many cases-- and then it will be closed mysteriously).

Under the cruller chandelier we made our selections.


The Cap'n Crunch--though it could have easily been called the Cap'n Crunchberry. Dear God what diet could survive in the presence of such glory? It was delicious. Raised and fluffy and covered a thick slathering of pink icing and an avalanche of forbidden breakfast treats. Ummm.

I just gave myself shivers.

Caitlin opted for the Double Bubble (not pictured). A decision, she insisted, made entirely based on the Double Bubble gum protruding from the center of the delicacy. I don't know much about the flavor, but her jaws were smacking, so I'm certain it was a success.

Richelle had to be dirty and ordered herself a Dirty Snowball...

I'll have you know, the woman ordered that one sight unseen. I was half expecting something yellow to pop out but the donut turned out to be far more enigmatic (yes, I think that's a dollop of gooey peanut butter protruding from the hole, if you catch my meaning.

I'm not saying there's a sexual connotation to the name "Dirty Snowball" but there is another donut that might clear up the issue...

Do we need to even continue this line of discussion?

There were so many weird donut varieties, I thought I'd have an aneurysm, or maybe, someone has jammed the pretzel into the voodoo doughnut's head...

It could happen, you know? Anyway--and I can't stress this enough--the next time you're in Portland, do yourself a favor and cheat on your diet at Voodoo Doughnut. You'll be happy you did...and bloated.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Sick as Shit and Busy

Those two shouldn't go together, ever. But I'm following through with my stuff. So what you get is...

...and the book club for Stacia's Personal Demons is up and running. Also, the winner of the missing League member has been announced. To prove it wasn't me and because I was goaded, here's my uncensored shot.

Feel free to make fun.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

I Want One!

I saw this clip and couldn't stop wondering: Where do I get me a murderously intelligent, sensually self-programmed non-being?

It also reminded me of Trent's Demon Seed from the new NIN album (free here).

Oh...and I've done my weekly post over at the League!

Monday, May 05, 2008

Whaddup at the League?

We've relaunched the League of Reluctant Adults. See?

Friday, May 02, 2008

A Winner, a Tease...Yahoo!

We've got a winner in the Personal Demons contest. Shvetufae over on livejournal came out of the hat. Her best advice...

"When you get angry at what someone else does, take a look at yourself and ask if it's because you're afraid you do the same thing in some form."

Beautiful and sound. Email me your address and I'll get that book off to you right away.


Over on the League of Reluctant Adults, change is in the air. There's a NEW League coming. Check in on Monday and see for yourself.


Now for something really cool. Plague Carrier #1 (mela_lyn) and I have been working on a yahoo group for those of you infected by Happy Hour of the Damned, Amanda Feral, zombies and/or snark in general. I hope you'll all sign up and make it your first choice for distraction.

Join the Glamazombies now...

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