Friday, May 30, 2008

Beware: Filth Ahead. No. I'm Serious.

Last night, Caitlin, Synde and I met up for an evening of overpriced Mexican food and an author event that will sparkle in my memory like a diamond. Actually, that's a little dramatic, it's more like a cubic zirconia...only harvested from a dirty asshole instead of a test tube.

I'm talking about Chuck Palahniuk, of course.

Do you see anything out of the ordinary in that picture? I'll give you a second. Actually, that's a bit of a trick question, since the blow up sex doll is totally normal for this particular reading.

We got to Pacific Place to pick up Synde and sign some stock at B&N and then it was off to dinner, where I was really good on my diet. One bite of rice, a few beans, mostly protein in the form of carne asada tacos with manchega, I'm figuring the corn tortillas were max 30 carbs so I can live with that. But then, carb temptress Caitlin, insisted on desert. Mexican donuts with hot chocolate dipping sauce. Mmmmmmmm. In my defense, they were more like donut holes and not nearly as good as I'd have thought.

So then we were off to see the man, but got there way to early which forced me to shop the book area and find the most appropriately filthy author swag I've ever seen. Behold...

Some of you pervs are going to be spitting your drinks across your monitors and then there are others--bless their hearts--who'll be saying, "what's so dirty?" Maybe this hint will help them out...

That's right people, the bookmark is for your book. The beads are for your ass (if you need a thorough explanation of that, just ask). Now don't worry, I got some extras to share and I'm fairly certain they haven't been used, so at the end of this post we'll do a little Chuck Palahniuk anal bead contest (one I don't expect will be reported about on Urban Fantasy Land--winks to the girls).

I also picked up Chuck's walking tour of Portland, called Fugitives and Refugees. I've been excited about reading that since Caitlin's mom raved about it last week. Anyway, we found a great spot to sit and chatted about sex toys, books, authors and other petty dramas. Turns out we had plenty of time for talking since, Chuck signed books until the cows came home (about an hour).

But, Chuck mustn't be questioned. He knows how to throw an author event. And that's what it is an event. Not content to simply read a bit from his new book SNUFF, in which an aging porn star goes out with a (gang)bang, Chuck kicked off the show by throwing about 50 blow up sex dolls into the audience. The first male and female dolls to be completely inflated won copies of a book (sorry, I can't recall the name, though he was pushing short story writers like Amy Hempel), but this guy sure wanted one...

Next up was a reading of an original story written specifically for the tour, it's called LOSER and was funny and thoughtful. Chuck never fails to surprise. Just when you think he's going to gross you out, he makes you think. The tale follows a frat boy who drops acid just as he's called up to play the Price is Right. Awesome.

Afterward, Warren Etheridge of the Warren Report interviewed Chuck about the new book, disturbing influences and the CHOKE movie (my review of Choke will be up next week on the Burlesque blog). At one point, the term "gang bang" was flying around so much, I thought I was at my own reading, but a family got up and left. Warren had this to say, "They must have thought Chuck was the Newberry Caldicott winner." There was no excuse for leaving, Chuck did hand out earplugs to those most likely to be offended.

We watched the trailer for Choke...

Blew up some more dolls...

One last thing. I mentioned a contest to win that anal bead bookmark and thought of the perfect thing. Bastardized Hollywood porn titles. If it could hang on the Lusty Lady marquee, I want to see it. Here's some examples...

From Snuff...The Importance of Balling Earnest, Snow Falling on Peters or, perhaps, Lay Misty for Me.

Some of my favorites, In and Out of Africa, Shaving Ryan's Privates.

You get the idea. So line 'em up in the comments and one of you can have these shiny blue booty beauties to do with what you see fit, all before next Friday. Just think of the possibilities.

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