Friday, December 07, 2007

A Poor Showing...

It's Day 7 of the Jesus Experiment and while, yes, my holiday spirit has escalated--as seen here in this still-life I call "Ornamental Tree with Chinese Lantern"--Jesus's progress toward life-size has slowed to a crawl.

Last night, after watching this week's episode of I Love New York for the 3rd time--Sister Patterson is up to her old tricks--I thought Jesus, that bitch is crazy.


I grabbed the camera and took the stairs three at a time. Jesus was still in the tub, not yet risen to smite all the happy sodomites. I began to wonder, after about a week, what might our savior feel like? I reached in and gave Jesus a little feel and was surprised to find that he wasn't squishy at all. I'd assumed he'd be "tampon-like," but as it turns out, he's kind of porous like a pumus stone. Weird.

For comparison sake, here's the previous quarter shot and one from last night.

That growth is marginal, at best, and disappointing. If Jesus had only been squishy I could have gleaned a minor bit of enjoyment. Sadly, I'm distraught.

But, wait...

What's that sparkling on the tree?

Why, it's Maxine the Christmas octopus with only five tentacles. She's my favorite, and I guess that'll have to do, for now. Unless Grow Jesus balloons in the next few days, I'm afraid I'll be forced to drain him. That's right. Jesus drained. My holiday spirit in tatters.

I don't know what else to do...

Merry Christmas


Jaye Wells said...

Hey Mark, found your blog through the League. I'm a little bit speechless after your "tampon-like" comment. It leads to so many questions that I really don't want to know the answers to.

Mark said...

No one expects a thirty-something author of urban fantasy to be growing Jesus in his garden tub. It just happens.

Jaye Wells said...

Actually, a thirty-something UF author is exactly who I'd expect to do such a thing.