Dx: I'm Completely Insane

Just got home from the doctor. Apparently, I don't know my medicine so good. My rare skin disorder is somehow linked to that splatterfest of two weeks ago. You remember the one? 102 degree fever, seven days of diarrhea? Sound familiar? On the other hand, the doctor said, we may never know what's causing it. Doesn't that sound hopeful?

What I'm not is (1) diabetic, (2) suffering some cellular breakdown ala The Hulk, and/or (3) nerve disordered. My wife, always overflowing with empathy, diagnosed me with fibromyalgia, that offed maligned and favored disorder of the personality disordered. To which she laughed and guffawed and made general fun. Which is unfortunate for me since...

The doc suggested post-viral myalgia (way too similarly named), wherein that virus took a liking to me and decided to hang out in my skin and soft tissue (including the penile spongiosum). I'm also super-dehydrated. Is it serious, you ask? Only so much that these everyday, over the counter items will fix it. Maybe. And before anyone asks, yes I refill those Voss bottles, no one can afford that shit on a regular basis.

By the time I got home, everyone was aware of my skin issue and offers of advice came pouring in. Sauves from my best friend the witch doctor, my mother suggested I save some money and take her generic ibuprofen that expired twelve years ago (she would have gladly coughed up her supply of Mexican antibiotics had I only asked), my wife chuckled at my diagnosis.

Me: It's post-viral myalgia.
Her: Did you say Fibromyalgia?
Me: No!
Her: It's a non-specific generalized pain of uncertain origin?
Me: Yes.
Her: Isn't that fibromyalgia?
Me: No goddamnit! Well, yes. Shut up!

By the end of the week I'll have a full blown Borderline Personality Disorder sans cutting. My people are so sweet.


Stacia said…
Did they suggest oatmeal baths as well? Aveeno makes a good one, or you could just use, y'know, actual oatmeal. It's worth a go, as are the salves offered by your witch doctor friend. (I assume you meant "salves", anyway, so forgive me if I'm wrong. At least, forgive me before your Borderline Disorder turns into full-blown psychosis and you decide to hunt me down.)
Anonymous said…
Mark, just admit it: you're a fibromyalgia whore. There now, don't you feel much better?


Seriously, I hope you get better. Drink *lots* and *lots* of water. Push the liquids and get that thing out of your system.

Mark Henry said…
You're both very amusing; I love-hate you.

Stace: Yes, I did mean salve, thank you so very very much. How's it working out for you at the spelling police? ;)

Heather: My name is Mark Henry and I'm a whore to non-specific pain of uncertain origin. **applause and welcomes**
Stacia said…
I like the handcuffs but the pay could be better.

I still do my part, though. Protecting and sarving.
Anonymous said…
The Witch Doctor here..after much thought and reflection...I am pretty sure you have what one of my clients have..the dreaded Valley of the Dolls Sickness. He exhibited the same sx as you and now he is applying for welfare, smells like feces and urine...and now goes by the name Victoria Eve Arden..sorry to be the one to tell you this..oh and with this illness you shrink to size of a doll...hence the name. God I love working with the poor and crazy!!
Mark Henry said…
I haven't noticed any unusual fragrances, so I haven't progressed to that stage of the disorder. I do, however, look forward to the shrinking, I can't seem to lose an ounce. :(