Top Seven: Secret Binge Foods

Because this is National Gross-out Week––coined in honor of Chuckles book tour (thanks Joe, my wife refuses to call him anything else)––I've decided to vary my lately rare top ten lists off the topic of literary and filmic entertainment to that more visceral pasttime: Late Night Binge Eating! I've only got three so Burlesque readers will have to complete the list.

**insert round of applause**

I'm not talking about a handful of Cheetos on your way to muck up the white sheets, I'm talking the gross shit you don't want anyone to know about. Just leave your grossest binge memory in my comments section, and I'll swoop in and rank it. I'll be surprised if you can top my number one. You can even remain anonymous if you fear recriminations (Readers submissions in joyful color). I'll go ahead and start…

10. Ready Made Icing: such as, Betty Crocker's miracle of sugar and fat, Cream Cheese flavor (seen here with French on the label) was suggested by new Burlesque reader, Donnetta Lee. It's important to note, it has not been verified that consuming the entire container will kickstart the rare, but undeniably troublesome dumping syndrome. I repeat: not verified.
9. Open
8. Peanut Butter, Banana & Mayonaise sandwiches. My parents got me into this little Elvis Fat Factory and I'm not sure anyone--including my wife (until now)--is aware that I've consumed these gut jammers.



7. Heather's a regular around here and brings this offering: "I like to eat melted, congealed cheese (and if it's a little overcooked or burnt, that's okay, too). You know, like the kind left behind on pizza boxes, or on the edge of a baking dish of macaroni and cheese. that's where all the flavor is. I could scrape that shit up all day long." Sounds yummy.
6. Open


5. Grapenuts Mush. I'm not talking about a bowl of cereal here. I'm talking about allowing ample time for the grapenuts to absorb all the milk and become a pregnant mass of unidentifiable grain material. A massive amount of sugar must also be consumed. This one's been a while.
4. Chicken skin sandwiches. Joe Schreiber clocks in at number four with this blood-coagulating delicacy. He says, "Everybody knows the most nutritious part of KFC is the crispy, chin-glistening, grease-drenched skin. Why deny yourself its pleasures, or, for that matter, allow something like actual white meat to intrude on the reveries that await when you pile a small mountain range of peeled off fried chicken skin between two slices of white bread? Heavenly."
3. While she refuses to admit that she's addicted to these bits of nature's goodness, Terri Clark, a peer over at Fangs, Fur, and Fey offers up barbecue flavored crickets and cheddar meal worms. Crunch! She says they have a tendency to scratch your throat going down if you don't chew them good enough. Hey Terri, be proud, shout it out to the world: "I love third world snacks." No one's going to judge you here.

2. Open


1. 7-11 Chili-Cheese Nachos & Pineapple Crush. I haven't consumed this pairing in fourteen years. One, because I haven't been able to find the soda, and two, the last time I ate it…prepare yourself…my body flushed out a twelve foot tape worm (not all at once, it tried to travel back in the first time and broke at seven feet), I must have picked up in Thailand the previous year. I know what you are thinking: aren't they supposed to confiscate those at customs? The answer's no, apparently not. My doctor thought it was hilarious, his response to my concern? Burn the Hut!

So that's my list…it's your turn to top it. Get busy.

Comments

Donnetta Lee said…
My first time to visit you and I get a vision of a 12 foot tapeworm being expelled in bursts. Oh, my. Don't think I can come up with a real goody like that. But, when I crave sweets and there is nothing else around, I get a spoon and a can of ready made icing and pig out. Yeah, I guess that's pretty mild.
Donnetta
Mark said…
Thanks for stopping by. While eating icing is certainly not weird. Eating the entire container, as is suggested by the phrase, pig out, elevates this to number 10 on our countdown. Congratulations you made it!

M
Joe said…
Three words: chicken skin sandwiches.

Everybody knows the most nutritious part of KFC is the crispy, chin-glistening, grease-drenched skin. Why deny yourself its pleasures, or, for that matter, allow something like actual white meat to intrude on the reveries that await when you pile a small mountain range of peeled off fried chicken skin between two slices of white bread?

Heavenly.
Mark said…
Nice one. I hope you don't mind a fourth place finish. I'm hoping for at least a couple of real stomach curdlers.

Might you enjoy your fried chicken skin sandwiches with a dollop of heart stopping trans fatty mayo?

You might be able to twist my arm up to a three with that.
Anonymous said…
Now that you mentioned the tape worm, I'm not going to eat ever again.

*shudders*

Those things are my worst fear. I am so sorry that happened to you. Did you know it was inside of you? Did it move around and wiggle and stuff?

As for gross out binge food, I don't know if this counts, but I like to eat melted, congealed cheese (and if it's a little overcooked or burnt, that's okay, too). You know, like the kind left behind on pizza boxes, or on the edge of a baking dish of macaroni and cheese. that's where all the flavor is. I could scrape that shit up all day long (except now I won't be able to, because of tape worms. Sigh.)

Heather
Mark said…
The sad thing is this: absolutely no weight loss. I didn't feel a thing. Weird, right?

Anyway, cheese scraping is going down as number seven. Yeah congealed cheese fat!!!
Anonymous said…
That *is* weird. I would think you might have had bizarre dreams of snakes or coil-shaped objects or...something. Well, it's good there wasn't any pain or cramping.

thanks for immortalizing congealed cheese fat.

Heather

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