The Official Road Trip Rant, Part Four: The Exhaustion Pits of Jellystone

I don't have a whole lot to say about the Cody Comfort Inn. They had wi-fi and make-you-own waffles, but a horrible bed. The count at this point is 6 nights of tossing and turning. Tired? I guess you could say that. Nonetheless, we're out the door by 7 am, and off to...

Day 1: It's Jellystone, Boo Boo

After the previous day's WRONG TURN into JUDGMENT NIGHT, the last thing we wanted to see was miles and miles of dirt road. So what's the first thing we encounter at Yellowstone? But only nine miles of it and there was a pilot car.

We forgot about it soon after as we ran into our first animal sighting, a black bear. It was mingling with a herd of bison and swatting some pesky crows away from some food. The zoom on the camera was useless so I couldn't show you anything more than a field with some black dots on it.

Our first stop was these bubbling mud pits:

Do I have to tell you, the steam coming off there smelled like egg day at the potato salad factory? I think you get it. If not, like a match, blow it out and shove the burnt in up your nose. There was apparently another attraction on the hill above this spot, but this bison:

...kept making death threats as we approached. We'd been given a flyer with our Yellowstone literature to avoid the bison, as they'd been goring guests. Goring them. I'm reminded of some party guests I'd like to gore. I never knew it was an option. You learn something new everyday. Thanks bison.

Lots of pretty vistas at Yellowstone and not so much to make fun of, unless you have a tendency to provide voice-over for wildlife, which Caroline and I are known to do. So, along with...
...beautiful waterfall, and...

...bizarre Mammoth Hot Springs geo-thermals, you get...

...surly elk, who say things like: "Move along, bitches. This is my grass." And...

"This is the bison lane. Learn to drive, mother f**ker!"

So on to my favorite thing about Yellowstone, and it's not Old Faithful, which I'm confident I could recreate with a Fleet Enema, a cigarette, and a bag of sand (don't think about it too hard). No. My favorite thing was the prismatic springs in the geyser basins. Likey right here:

Sure, they smell like anus, but the colors were amazing. Here's a better shot of that:

We had reservations at the Old Faithful Snow Lodge, which is the newish hotel on the property, not to mention the most expensive night of our stay. That said, does it surprise you that I didn't sleep at all? No air conditioning in a two hundred dollar a night room? What's wrong with this picture? It was a f**king oven. I did get a chance to catch up on my reading and tore through a good size chunk of The Lust Lizard in the hotel lobby. No TV, either. I'm surprised they didn't offer morning hosedowns, in lieu of showers. Experience the luxury.

Day 8: Can We Just Find Civilization?

In the morning, we shambled off to Old Faithful and caught the morning show (it erupts every ninety minutes, much like Caroline's Black Hills regurgitation). Here's that one:

Of course, we had to wait a few minutes to snap this shot. Who can blame me for getting a little peckish.

As we got back to the room, and collapsed on the prehistoric bedding (stone-like), it was like we didn't have to have a discussion. We just both knew--thank god for this symbiotic relationship--it was time to go.

Next Stop Grand Tetons and Jackson Hole (civilization!)

It was a short drive, too. The Tetons are beautiful, although Caroline shortened them further to just Teets. Here they are in all there enormous cup-size majesty:
A half hour later, which felt like days in our blurred vision and brain cloud (yes, that is a Joe Versus the Volcano reference), we made the next hotel:

No. Hell no. Not that one (do you see the little x? That can't bode well), ours was the Teton Mountain Lodge. So nice, the people and the room. Because we couldn't check in we had to drag our tired asses into Jackson Hole to witness the spectacle that is Antlerfest. There was a big auction going on and some guy won an arch made of, what else, antlers for $51,000. Aren't they just collected after a molt? The streets were littered with horns, everywhere horns and then, the first sign of civilization. Haagen Dazs. Have you tried the Cinnamon Dulce de Leche? Oh my god, irresistible. We had some really excellent Thai for dinner (Bon Appe Thai). The town is crammed with Southern California transplants, and they brought their lifestyle with them, thank God. Exactly what we needed.

Next Stop: Disney's newest park, Boiseland, and the Last Push Home