ROA Meetings: Scourge of the Earth or Bountiful Cornucopias of Hilarity?

Lets start with the definition. ROA: Resident Owners Association. You know; it was the subject of that X-files episode where Mulder and Scully posed as Rob and Laura Petrie to investigate murders by an ROA demon. Cut your grass motherfucker!

Because I'm clearly a masochist, I talked my wife into going to the yearly meeting. First issue, seating. This is of utmost importance, we couldn't sit near anyone else as our intention was to make fun of everyone (and no, that's not mean, they deserve it, bear with me). We found our spot and proceeded to wish we'd brought razor blades and two Tupperware bowls of water for an impromptu double suicide.

Apparently––if you're already aware I do apologise––it's important to be aware of the day to day functions of the ROA secretary, treasurer, etcetera, in POWERPOINT! That sound you heard was my teeth grating for about a half hour.

And then it happened. The magic. Question round.

• "How much do we spend on the sprinkler heads run over by the lawn crews and tossed into the bushes?" Thinly veiled racism is what we heard.

Translation: What are we going to do with all the Mexicans?

There was a rolling gasp when the speaker suggested that kids were the culprits. To suggest that any of the demons birthed from these upstanding alcoholics were to blame was cause for outrage apparently. I wet myself a bit.

• "What's being done to lessen the impact of construction on Wildlife?" My wife clutched her side at this point and started jiggling in silent laughter.

Translation: I'm baiting you so that I can deliver a specific line.

The speaker guy rambled about studies and the insignificance of the impact, and made some really good arguments as to why the animals were not being disrupted. Now, I can tell you that the animals in our area are doing fine, for Christ's sake the 'coons are looking in my windows, plus did you see my eagle post? If anything we (me and my wife) are being impacted by the wildlife. So the guy who asked the question, finally shouts:

"So what you're saying is you're not doing anything!"

Spit take! I felt the need to alert those around us, mind you several seats away, that he'd been waiting to say that all night.

Next up was the inevitable:

• "They're not mowing their lawns!!!"

The anger is such that you'd think the ROA was asking this man to participate in racial integration, or reading. I grinned at another neighbor, whom along with myself has a tendency to adopt a more natural front lawn. Let's call it prairie style.

We left early. Stomach's aching from all the merriment. I'm not going next year.